JW'Space

076 “如果你的愛人變成這樣...你還會愛她嗎”

Sat, 21 Jun 2008 07:30:46 GMT

曾经在校内碰到过这样的帖子，帖子上贴出一系列某女人在某次意外之后高度毁容的照片。这种帖子令我非常不快，因为一方面要看完极其揪心甚至恶心的照片，另一方面也要忍受道德的煎熬。照片中毁容后的女人有如怪物，相信绝大多数人（我没有说全部）都会躲避不及。而这种感觉又使我质疑自己对爱情的忠诚度，使我感觉到自己只重外表，不能在任何情况下都爱我（或假想的）爱人。相信这正是帖子原作者的意图。

我认为，就对爱情的考验来说，毁容要比其他考验来得更大更痛苦。在没有经验的情况下（一般人都不会有这样的经验吧），可以参考一下影视作品，可是一般爱情电影里面是不会涉及毁容这个主题的，我所看过的就只有《香草天空》涉及到毁容，虽然其毁容的程度还不够高。

《香草天空》这部片子涉及到被毁容者在毁容之后微妙的心理变化。被毁容者想继续原来的生活，可是发现毁容的影响是如此之深刻而微妙，以至于无法继续原来的生活。造成这种变化的，与其说是身边的人都以一种不正常的，怪异的眼光来看自己，倒不如说是自己无法接受自己的新容貌，却把这种隐藏在潜意识的想法投射到别人身上，变得似乎是别人而不是自己无法接受毁容后的自己。毁容是不可逆的，被毁容者无法继续在原来的生活轨迹走下去，原来的各种亲密关系也遭受到巨大的冲击。这时候，假如你的爱人被毁容了，你还想向以前一般爱着对方，那无疑是在试图否认毁容这一事件带来的巨大影响，无疑是在自我欺骗。再者，假如你的爱人已变成怪物般的模样，而你爱着他/她，那么很可能你所爱的只是毁容前仍然漂亮的他/她，你所爱的“他/她”并不是你面前的“他/她”，这样做又很“道德”吗？

其实，当你的爱人遭遇毁容，你会多多少少感到内疚。而为了摆脱心中的内疚，你很可能尝试继续爱他/她，似乎这样你就勇敢地尽了所有的道德义务，但这已经超出了爱的范畴，不再是爱了。而你也不过是从自己出发，而不是从爱人的角度出发。小心道德神话。

075 高三时写的东西（4）人物 WO（3）

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 12:06:25 GMT

自从目睹YC（该人被设定为无法忍受高考的压力而自杀的人）在课室自刎而死后，WO第一次感觉到大脑的每一个细胞都在活动，每一根神经都在准备反抗。一直备受压抑的叛逆基因一下子被激活，连同因班上女生都让人占去的愤慨，使WO犹如被封印已久的怪物，誓要用双手宣誓对这个制度僵死且女生资源分配不公平的世界的最高藐视。一个又一个的恶搞计划，包括利用考试规定的漏洞在考场喝酒，踩在楼下地理园喜马拉雅山模型上大喊“I'm the king of the world”，疯狂借阅学校图书馆里诸如《如何保养你的子宫》等标题令人遐想的书籍，并使这些书名登上图书馆墙上那张《借阅Top 10》列表。

……

第N中学坐落在本市的老城区南部，门前是一条窄小的“烟鬼路”。每当上学时间，这条路就会被汽车和人群堵塞。学生们从来都不走斑马线，而是肆无忌惮地在行进的车辆间穿行，而司机则毫无顾忌地按喇叭，尽管本市的喇叭禁令生效已久。一般说来，学生们都是横过马路的老手，极少出意外。但像WO这样的呆子一过马路便险象横生。他先径自大步走到马路中央，同时一辆自行车快速驶近，他一拧头，看见了自行车，马上停步，呆呆地望着驾驶者。为了躲避他，自行车意欲转右，他却准确地预测了驾驶者的意图小步向前挡住自行车的右边，直到驾驶者左转，他又挡住左边的去路，……直至你九死一生地在他身边通过。车技好当练练平衡，车技不好的就得到一次与肮脏的柏油路面亲吻的机会，然后目送WO毫发无损地踱入校门。

走入校园，映入眼帘的是几棵树冠已经被剪去大半的老树，它们犹如被剪去尾部的雄孔雀，害羞地耸立在光秃秃的操场周围。

走上教学楼，跨过经历暴雨后从男女厕所流出成分不明的异味水流，来到了A班课室的走廊。走廊外侧是长期被水、牛奶和可乐浸泡的花槽。班长拿着粉笔刷无力地在黑板上拖着，与其说是擦黑板，不如说是把粉末均匀地涂在黑板上，更不如说是给黑板刷白。

074 高三时写的东西（3）人物 WO（2）

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 03:46:11 GMT

WO回到课室，无力地瘫坐在椅子上，大口大口地喝水，扭头发现丁已经换好了衣服，正和围着他坐了一圈的女生在调侃，令WO眼红不已。丁大方、得体、爱运动、有情趣、有内涵、精力充沛、会讲含蓄的黄色笑话，最重要的是他有一个像鸡窝的发型。而WO自卑、矮小、瘦弱、局促、呆头呆脑、无聊、精神萎靡、心胸狭窄，自觉没有一样优点，总是做着有女生向他投怀送抱的白日梦，把不欣赏他的女生悉数斥为“只看外表”“肤浅”“淫荡”。这么多年来，从没有女生表达过对他的一点好感。

“我曾努力过”，WO想。有几次WO确实是尝试过去接触女生。他讲了几个二手笑话，该女生却一点没笑，最后只是尴尬地挤出一点笑容，WO却紧绷着脸。结果见到WO的女生多在身边一闪而过。

丁绘声绘色地讲了个含蓄的成人笑话，周围的一圈女孩都笑得前翻后仰。特别是Fei，笑得像哮喘，一下一下，很有节奏，在WO耳里像是叫床声。

WO最看不惯的是丁的艳福无边，最羡慕的也是丁的艳福无边。WO尝试运用“有得必有失”的理论来批判丁，却始终没发现丁会因此失去了什么。

WO经过了如此多的失败之后，心情变得郁郁寡欢，自卑不已，似乎认识她的女生都讨厌他。然后他发现，如果假定他已被所有女生拒绝，他就不用再被失败所困扰，因为不可能再失败了。

为了驱赶这郁闷，他假装他生来就是一光棍，永世孤独，现在女生们拒绝他倒免了他日后的痛苦。他想象总是从他在情人节的大街上向泛滥的情侣们露出鄙夷的表情，以做爱的画面结束。

他不善和女生交往，却认为任何主动和异性进行的攀谈都是可耻的。所有试图与女生搭讪的男生和胆敢回话的女生在他眼中不过是嫖客和妓女一类的货色，但他却希望有女生会搭上他。他故意不修边幅，从来不梳头，这样他就有足够理据判所有不愿搭理他的女生“目光短浅，只重外表补种内涵的幼稚妇人”。如果这一切还不能给他以平衡，他便以尼采自比，仿佛不沾女色是他英雄般的悲壮命运的一部分。

“我不是成为对抗自身欲望的悲剧英雄，就是庸人自扰的蠢货。”，他想。

073 高三时写的东西（2）人物 WO（1）

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 09:13:42 GMT

WO是个可怜的青少年。他骨瘦如柴，颧骨突出，眼睛像要突出来似的。瘦本来不是太坏的事，但WO却很矮，而且脖子特长，令人不由自主地联想到ET。当初WO突然狂长高，看形势似乎能在两年内突破180，脖子也预着这个形势预先拉长了，却不料让老天爷开了个玩笑，一年后WO停止长高了，但脖子却怎么也缩不回去，于是变成了现在ET似的模样。其实，想长高的话还可以多运动补过，可他偏偏是个恨死运动的人。当他终于为自己的身高自卑时，却发现自己毫无运动天赋。打篮球尤其令WO头疼：运球时常常掉球，队员传球一般都接不出，射球很少碰板。队员也不再传球给他，偶尔拿到了篮板球，却发现队友和对手们都像久困牢房难得出来放风的狱友，全都停下休息，甚至叉腰打哈欠散步。等球掉手或者在篮框几米外飞过时，球员们才不情愿地继续比赛。如此下来，通常，WO所在队会在少一人的情况下大败，WO却不会因此受到任何责备，甚至连那个经常吹毛求疵的丁也这样说：

“WO，打得很好，加油！”

WO无可奈何地点点头，站在篮框柱子旁边大口地喘气。当然赢球就是更加难受的事情，因为WO所在队在少一人的情况下赢球，证明了WO是完全的废物。

他们从来就没把WO当作会打篮球的人看，准确地说，他在他们眼中是个这辈子也学不会打篮球的可怜虫。

想到这里，WO感到自尊心受了重创，并发誓以后绝不再踏入篮球场。

072 高三时偷偷写的东西（1）作业联盟

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 10:51:19 GMT

有那么一些人，无论老师布置再怎么多的作业，即使已经多到了不可能完成的地步，他们（通常都是她们，那些小小的女生们）都能完成。

老师其实不清楚多少才是合理的作业量，他们只是凭感觉和计划来布置，因此我假定如果没有人能够完成功课，老师就会减少作业量。但因为总有那些上述超常的人们，老师就以为作业量是合理的，依然保持甚至加大作业量。而如果我们能阻止那些人完成功课，功课量应该会减少。

为了达到这个目的，全班甚至全级人必须统一行动，认定一个大家公认的合理的作业量，然后所有人做的作业都保持在那个范围之内，超出那个范围之内，纵使是老师要求完成的，都不要做，迫使老师减少作业量。

即使这样，这几乎是不可能成功的，因为做不完作业的固然会同意，做得完作业的人不会同意，但这可以用暴力解决。然而，老师不那么软弱，这就需要特权人士加入作业联盟。

老师不会同意，除非这本来就是他们的阴谋……

（原文为一短篇小说的计划，但小说从来都没有写成，现在也没有这样的心情去写）

回应 070的评论

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 17:45:10 GMT

原文：

现实，是我们以符合我们自己的“利益”（广义）的方式来感受的世界。我们选择性地夸大，选择性地忽略，选择性地诠释，以为我们所采取的态度和行动辩护，目的是逃避可能的危险和伤害。

现实是残酷的，倒不如说我们需要残酷的现实。

尼伯龙根的指环的评论：

我们的人生不正是因为这种不确定性和选择性而变得丰富多彩吗？生活在毫无悬念的世界里你觉得有意思吗？所以有时候人们还会将自己的感受强加给他人，正所谓战天斗地，其乐无穷。

回应：

原文是希望讨论人是怎么来感受外部给与的一切，从而对以后发生的事情有所期待，而不确定性是世界本身的性质，两者并不相关。不能否认人确实在某种程度上对世界的不确定性有深深的恐惧，因为不确定性破坏了人的控制感。人对确定性的追求有时甚至驱使人选择注定痛苦但确定的人生，而放弃可能幸福但充满不确定性的人生。另一方面，没有了不确定性又剥夺了人的生命的活力。

至于选择性并不意味着人能够相对轻易地意识到自己感受世界的方式并且任意选择改用另一种感受世界的方式，相反，这种选择性是指长时间以来潜意识以相对固定的方式过滤并处理外界的刺激。

把自己的感受强加给人正是人际关系中冲突不断的根源。

071 人是一个个孤立的系统

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 07:17:16 GMT

人是一个个孤立的系统。

每个人都有着自己独立的结构，结构只是个比喻，就像物理上不同的结构有不一样的固有频率，只对某种频率产生共振，人只能够理解符合自己结构的东西，产生符合自己结构的东西。人的结构是由他的经历及其他很微妙的因素决定的，并且也一直处在变化当中。因此，人只能理解符合自己经历/结构的事情，只能受某些符合自己经历的事情感动；对于别的事情，人只能用理性去计算和推理，或者选择性地尝试理解事情中的某些元素。

就因为每个人都具有独有的结构，人和人都有着不可逾越的鸿沟。不是人们选择不去理解他人，而是没有选择。语言是一种希望在多个个体之间达成某种理解的一种工具，也就是希望能引起多个个体以相似的频率振动。但实际上，个体还是以自己的频率去振动，因此没有办法确认别的个体是否理解自己所说的东西。比如说，常常引起误解的“存在即合理这句话”，由于历史环境和个人经历的不同，我们其实没办法确定我们是否正确地理解这句话，因为“存在”在该句作者中引起的振动和在现在的某个体中引起的振动是截然不同的。尽管我们可以用别的词语进一步作解释，但别的词语所引起的振动仍然是取决于个体本身的结构。

070 现实

Tue, 27 May 2008 19:58:03 GMT

现实是残酷的，倒不如说我们需要残酷的现实。

069 reality

Sun, 18 May 2008 12:31:34 GMT

Reality, if we have defined or at least describe 'interests' and 'us', is how we perceive the world in the way that suits our interests most. However, it doesn't make sense to talk about the world itself since we all perceive the world in somewhat subjective ways.

068 Ailment to Disease

Thu, 15 May 2008 17:02:19 GMT

It was very unfortunate for me that I got a common cold after my mother told me her story that she got sick after she had paid a lot of effort to her academic performance. Not only did it affect my portfolio presentation, but it had also ruined my leisure time after portfolio presentation. While a healthy adult should have recovered from a common cold now, my minor fever has perpetuated for almost a week and my cough has become severer, which is due to fact that doctors in Mainland China used to feed me with high-dose antibiotics once I got a cold, but doctors in HK tend not to use antibiotics until it is proved to be the last resort. Considering my bronchi has been irritated from last night, my common cold will probably worsen to Acute/Chronic bronchitis, from which made my mother have suffered a lot when she was young and with which my immune system can hardly cope without the help of antibiotics.

However, on the night right before my portfolio presentation, I had a sore throat, and the thought that I might got a bad cold occurred to me and LIBERATED me temporarily from the anxiety about portfolio presentation, which had been bothering me for at least a whole week. In the next few day, although the minor fever had slow my reaction to the environmental stimulation, I gained a feeling of tranquillity and pleasant laziness.

Let us contemplate in a romantic way: a disease, usually incurable but permit us a plenty of free time before death, can re-define a person, and a unique disease can even assign them some kind of uniqueness, and this kind of uniqueness liberate them from the ordinary standard of success and failure, which modern society is so eager to apply to us. Stephen Hawking is a nice example. It also makes sense for a mediocre man who has been obsessed with the fear of failure for his whole life and has been diagnosed with late-stage cancer. He will probably get a new life before death because his fear of being a loser will cease to exist for the ordinary standard of success and failure will not be valid for him any more.

067 anxiety

Sun, 04 May 2008 05:32:05 GMT

I always feel that the amount of the anxiety about exam I have suffered is much larger than others, because I have never seen someone around me who will be awake all night before exam, or someone who will be so obsessed with the exam that he or she cannot focus on anything else. Great expectation from parents can account for the great anxiety about exam, and great expectation mostly means that if you are not good enough, you don't deserve any love. Sometimes love is a matter of life or death, and now exams become a matter of life or death now because if you don't do well in the exams, love of your parents may withdraw from you.

My situation can be explained in this way, too. My mother did scold me a lot if I failed to achieve academic excellence, which has been so influential to my life that even if she don't scold me for that anymore, I still feel guilty if I have got high marks. Anxiety had become so strong that it could have ruined my academic performance in senior three. At that moment, for the first time my mother have guaranteed that she will love me unconditionally, not performance-dependent and she claimed that what she had done to me was to make me more excellent. It did not help much, though.

Yesterday when I was about to complain the hard life in HKUST to my brother (actually my cousin), my brother said that I have got too much. What he meant was that I have been the centre of the whole big family, including my paternal grandparents and my paternal uncles and aunts, ever since I was born, which is the truth.

Through all these years, I hated myself when I did bad in exams and I hate myself because I had done bad in exams. The most important things is, I could attribute all these anxiety and pain I have got to my mother's conditional love. But now it seems that it is my misinterpretation that led to my anxiety and pain. Do you know what I mean? If you are suffering because of something, then it's fine and you can damn it. But what if you suffer because of something that doesn't exist or that you make up yourself? Then even your suffering is MEANINGLESS!

My fault. The suffering through all these years is just my fiction.

These days my mother always tells me not to care too much about academic performance as long as I am happy. But my beloved mother, do you know, these days the least thing I can do is to be happy and what I am capable of is to punish myself.

066

Thu, 01 May 2008 17:34:48 GMT

One point that I need to remember: I'm not a talented people who definitely has a promising future before him, but a rather person who, through enormous determination, adequate preparation and intensive study on a certain field or subject, can achieve things that the people of his kind can not achieve.

影片:Cube 立方体

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 08:44:47 GMT

Cube是一部很经典的恐怖及悬疑cult片，其独特之处在于整个故事都在立方体建筑里发生，而且情节都有很强的象征性（除了那些惨死的画面之外）。

影片一开始，几个人突然发现自己被囚禁在布满机关的立方体中间，至于被谁而关和为何而关，他们都不清楚。被关的几个人分别是警察Quentin、主修数学的大学生Leaven、医生Holloway、建筑师Worth、越狱者Rennes还有疑似智障人Kazan。凭借着自己的越狱经验，Rennes在一开始承担起探路的任务，然而人的经验毕竟有限，Rennes惨死于一个酸性液体喷射器面前。之后便由Leaven带领众人以试错法找出了立方体运行的内部规律，推算出出口的所在。可惜的是，想独自逃出的Quentin杀死了Holloway和可爱的Leaven并重伤Worth，最终死于Worth的反击，能够逃出的就只有Kazan一个。

说到立方体的象征意义，它便是我们所居住的这一个世界。如悲观的“哲学家”Worth所说，这个世界中的每个人都对自己面前的事情认真负责，每个人都有自己的情景局限(situational constraint)，不能从大角度上认识到整个社会的运作，因此便不理解自己所作的一切究竟意味着什么。终有一天，人类发现自己被困在自己设计的立方体中。人类的被困没有预谋，没有策划者，没有人或者某一类人需要独自为此负上责任，但每个人都是参与者，因此每个人都有责任。如果找不到出口，人类将会在自己设计的立方体中间毁灭，可是人类的局限性（我倾向于用“局限性”而不是“人性的丑恶）却把人类毁灭于出口之前。被困的几个人象征着我们的社会， Quentin象征着权力、Leaven象征着理智、Worth象征着反思，Kazan象征着尚未社会化，原始也是最无辜的个人……由于除了Kazan之外的所有人都参与了宏大的人类自毁工程中，所以Kazan之外的所有人都是有罪的，有罪的都得死，只有Kazan可以活命。

影片中还有其他有意思的想法。Leaven自称小时候便怀有罪恶感，这可能是编剧暗示对参与人类自毁的罪恶感便是“原罪”的来源之一。被困的一行人最终回到了出发的那一个小立方体和Worth开始的疑似消极令我怀疑这是一个巨大的比喻，这来源于我看过的某篇文章，该文章声称西方社会激进地走了许多年后发现自己走错了路。人们总是要“前进”，结果发现自己走了许多冤枉路。Worth开始的疑似消极可能是一种保持力量减少消耗的策略。

这部片的可贵之处在于给人以很多新思维（经常看西方现代哲学的不会觉得新），如果再以什么“批判人性的丑恶”来看这部片子，恐怕不会有所得。事实上，考虑到情景局限，被困的生还者的行为都是相当合理的。他们没法超越局限，这也就是为什么他们没法走出去的原因。

本片某些画面的血腥程度跟The SAW有得一比。幸好经过了SAW4的洗礼，我看这部片的时候没有感到明显的不适。可能是因为预算太低，影片后部都没有出现同类的画面。

065 再贴点邮件

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 16:01:23 GMT

2007-10-30

We would all like to combine the solidity of physical objects with the
full awareness of our possession of it.
This is something which we all long for, and none of us is happy with
the perpetual self-questioning which constitutes the human log.
But this, by definition, is something which we can never do.
What he really means is that we would all like to be absolutely what we
are with the full awareness that we are it.

说说你的理解

2007-11-4 （老钟）

我的理解是:人们在认识的过程中喜欢把主体与客体统一起来,并在此过程中过分强调客体.在研究科学时,这是没问题的.但是如果我们用这种这样去研究人时,就搞出问题来. 海德格尔用“此在”去表示人的存在。人的此在，就是不断地质问自己是怎样存在。这是人区别于别的东西的存在方式。因为在自然界中，有且只有人能这样质问。并且，存在主义者反对从现象到本质的认识方式(这是我们课本上说的认识方式）。我猜测，人应该是在自问之中实现自己的“在”。并且，存在主义者反对我们应该把自己客体化，在“从现象到本质”过程中把自己上升成物。他们认为我们因该把人的主观体验当成是人的在。

2007-11-4

古典哲学的趋向恰是把主体和客体孤立起来，并且过于强调主体。
我的理解：当我们尝试意识自己的时候，我们首先要把自己从自己所是的东西分离
出来，成为了自己所不是的东西，于是就和完全成为某样东西有冲突了。因为当你
意识到自己是那样东西的时候，意识就令你变得不再是那样东西了。当你做需要高
频率条件反射的东西时，如果你意识到你自己做的事情，你做的事情就很容易失
败，因为有连续不断的冲突发生了，令你不能集中精神作事情。

现在看来，萨特在哲学上的修行还是不够他的老师海德格尔深。

064 帖点邮件来充数

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 16:14:21 GMT

老钟写道:

我最近读到了另一存在主义者克尔凯郭尔（Kiekegaard）的观点，我记得萨特曾在《存在主义是一种人道主义》中批判过他。而且，我找到在萨特《存在主义是一种人道主义》中说的阿伯拉罕现象的说法。按照Kiekegaard的观点，成为自我要经过三阶段，一是审美阶段，即人为其原始本能支配，追求各种欲望。但同时因为这种追求使人感到空虚而去追求第二阶段的人生道路，即伦理阶段。在伦理阶段，人为生活理性所控制，会暂时克制自己的情欲，遵守有普遍意义的道德准则。但是，人依然受第一阶段的影响，使道德义务与个人行为之间存在脱节。人们进入第三阶段，即为信仰阶段。在此阶段，作一个孤独的个人，有且只有上帝作为惟一的对象。他举了阿伯拉罕的例子。阿伯拉罕奉上帝的命令杀死自己的儿子以塞阿作为祭品，从伦理上说，这违反了禁止谋杀的具有普遍性的道德戒律，但从宗教上讲，是牺牲行为。在这时候，阿伯拉罕面对只是上帝，他与上帝的关系是私人关系，上帝的要求没有普遍性，而具有绝对性。他超出伦理的意识是他与上帝的私人的，个别的关系的结果。他的行动之所以被肯定，仅仅是以为它是信仰行为，更本不用理性衡量。顺便说一句，Kiekegaard是个疯神父，有神论存在主义者。

因为大陆的大学生热爱跳楼，所以我们开设了心理课。但是都是一些很不系统的课程，比广州日报的心理版要差劲。不过，我在心理课本上找到海德格尔的一句话， “惟有表示物的词语已被发现之际物才是物。”这好像与维特根斯坦的话相对。而且，我读不懂海德格尔的一句话，“在总是在者之在”，书上的解释是：“在的方式，不是指静态的在的方式，而是指可能的，即动态的在的方式，或者说不是指空间中的的在的方式，而是指时间中的在的方式。”上面讲的可能的，动态方式应该怎样理解?这句话好像很重要，好像是存在主义的核心成分，我记得萨特在《存在主义是一种人道主义》提到过：“存在主义是一种使人类生活成为可能的学说”两者都提到可能这个词，但是这个词应该怎样理解？

我写道：

海德格尔的东西我真的看不懂。萨特东西也不懂。有一本介绍萨特的书说萨特写的
东西是 seem more difficult to follow than it actually is. 所以我也想去深
究Being and Nothingness的东西。萨特的这种写法据说是对传统德国哲学晦涩风
格的继承，因此海德格尔也写得不必要地深奥难懂也不是不可能的。

063 My Reasons to Write Blogs

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 16:20:44 GMT

One of the few things I and my roommate have common is that both us want to achieve celebrity, or in my favourite phrase, to have a great impact on the world. I'm quite sure I can find a lot of people holding similar ambition. Though I have been taught not to laugh or question one's dream, including mine, I can not help asking the question: whether one has the potential to achieve his or her ambition? Let's switch to another topic.

When I was in junior middle school, I marvelled those who were involved in Open Source movement and used their talent to show deep contempt for software patent system. Inspired by them, in the composition part of one examination, I confidently described my ambition as "devote myself to the development of great, great, great computer software and let everybody use it with complete freedom". Surprisingly, my ambition received great positive reception and was circulated among several Chinese teachers in my grade. I was quite firm about my ambition at that time, regardless of all the difficulties I would encounter and the stupidness of my ambition.

In high school, I was quite disappointed to find that I was not skilled in what I expected myself to be good at or should be good at. Obsessed by the fear that I might be just one among those who were too mediocre to see through their mediocrity, I changed my ambition to just achieving celebrity using legal and institutionalized way. If this goal was condemned to vanish, I would rather leave something special that would be remembered by others so I wouldn't be reduced to nothing after death. I always consider writing blogs as one of the approach to be memorized by others, which is the one of the reasons that I am writing blogs. I also hope that writing blogs which reveal my special personality or unique thoughts, if I have any, will bring me fame.

However, it seems that writing blogs has not brought me fame because there're few people browsing my pages, which can be judged by the small number of comments on my blog. I have to mention that there does exist people who are not accustomed to leave comments after finishing reading, including my mother (this is the reason why I prefer to write in English!). In fact, some people do prefer to discuss topics which my blogs concern or share their opinions on that topics face to face or by mails, which partly account for the lack of comments on my blog. Since the fall semester commenced, I have been discussing upon serious topics by mail with my friends exclusively, which is the reason why the number of my serious works has reduced dramatically. Recently, I have found out that there still are people who read my articles carefully, so I decide to pick up my blog again. But now, I am only writing to those who take what I write seriously.

Writing in English is still far from a pleasant experience to me.

062 I Hate Twilight!

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 15:03:09 GMT

Unlike poet's twilight which tends to be described as splendid but sentimental, my twilight just reminds me of one thing: you have done nothing meaningful today, and since daytime has gone, you have no chance to compensate for it.

Well... When I was small, with a greedy mind that could never be satisfied, I was always hoping my parents could buy me my dream toys. However, as we seldom went out in the evening because of public order at that time, when the twilight came, I was aware that the possibility of realization of my dream was slim to none. It was for this reason that I was extremely upset when facing the twilight that should be enjoyed and appreciated. Finding possessing material things can no longer satisfy me completely, I began to be obsessed (exaggerated a lot) with the desire to get recognition in every aspects from authority and peers and become famous. Therefore, whenever twilight came, I was haunted by the thought that I made no progress towards being a celebrity and I would be rather disappointed at myself.

Unfortunately, this helpless feeling has been bothering me again since I realized that I have not achieved anything meaningful.

061

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 07:56:12 GMT

I cannot deny that it upset me greatly when I saw how my high school treated me after I graduated.

There is a wide poster stuck on one wall of the hall of my high school. The names of newly-graduates, with the school they admitted by, are listed on the poster. Although the fact that names are sorted according to how "good" the universities are reveals gz7hs being grade-oriented, it is considered by everyone an honour to be listed in the front part of the list. Obviously, those graduates who are admitted by school like Tsinghua University or Peking University are listed in the most front part of the list, though actually just at most several students in my high school can enter the first rank of universities every year.

However, what I saw was that my name was the last among those who were admitted by universities outside Guangdong Province. Needless to say, I was quite frustrated and disappointed at what they had done to me, which reflected the will of officers in my high school. I know so people will feel it hard to understand my situation due to the fact that HKUST is unfamiliar to them, so for those people I suggest them understanding it by comparison: Those who are admitted by HKUST in other high schools have received official praise more or less and gained lots of popularity among the students there. On the contrary, I have received a cold welcome from my high school and a sense of alienation from my classmates has become stronger ever. It seemed that my effort has been rejected or neglected by authority (my high school) out of design or ignorance.

It has a profound impact on my attitudes towards my past and gz7hs. It seems that these unfortunate and sometimes unfair things always happen to me that it deprives my good memory of the past. I still don't know how to face it yet, but staying in HKUST will be good means to run away from that temporarily.

060

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 06:44:22 GMT

求神拜佛跟其他行动有什么不一样呢？求神拜佛这个行动本身是有意义的，比如祈福、转运等，但其他行为的意义则要视其结果和旁观者的背景而定。

让我们来看一个例子：妈妈为孩子好，为孩子报了好多个班，督促他多学习少玩耍。但究竟妈妈的这个行动究竟是否对孩子好呢，就要视将来孩子的情况而定。如果孩子变得多才多艺，那就是好的；如果孩子成了书呆子，那就是不好的。有些家长认为，妈妈的行为是扼杀孩子的好奇心，是不好的；又有些家长认为孩子就应该从小勤奋学习，因此妈妈的行为是对的。但求神拜佛就没有那么多问题了，妈妈为孩子祈福就永远只能解释为祈福，结果对这个行动本身的意义就变得不重要了，妈妈的行动就是为孩子好的。

059 感慨一下

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 17:06:01 GMT

复读的表弟刚考完一模，这就是我感慨的原因。一模已经是一年前的事情了，高考也不过是80多天后的事情。重要的是，我离一模、高考有多远呢？很远很远了……

似乎终于找到了属于自己的地方了。

Blog list: blogs

Mon, 10 Mar 2008 16:23:59 GMT

blogs

邹颖
波麟文摘
活跃，勤奋
李嘉昭
秦兆
憨厚的外表却有感性的一面
师姐lulu
极度的活跃
陈B
狂热的足球爱好者，可怜的电教员
董伟B
Simon苏嘉
不错的人...
ChenJingYan
可爱，天真，活泼
何川
Believe it or not, The truth lies here.
马尔代夫星星海
梁春岚同学
翼狼
好有创作才华的小学+初中同学
L44
感性，颓废
stephen
老友仔
Fenix温
极度忧郁的男生
晴
成熟，优雅
马乔
很有意思
PW
用脑过度的白发魔女
南阳陋室
被流放到英国的鸡鹏
鲩鱼
“挺可爱的鱼”——韬
Miranda
很有水平的……
邝小雯
小朋友
彼得洛夫
老钟的旧blog
厚脸皮的追梦人
三班的罗轶之同学
老钟
胡须+苹果
温韬
自称不是地理、化学迷
LJ
老朋友
OSTS XVIII Times
认真思考的programmer

Blog list: 链接

Sun, 09 Sep 2007 14:05:56 GMT

链接

市六中论坛
JW最常去的论坛
Inside Firefox
Firefox项目首席工程师Ben的Blog
PCHOME－生化危机空间站
相当多的生化视频供下载
reference.com
网上百科全书，访问维基百科的另一个办法
Blender.org
Blender，品质出众的CG制作软件，还是自由软件，十分难得！
my homepage on HKUST

Custom List: 言论

Sat, 06 May 2006 12:13:47 GMT

言论

当你对高考之外的科目不感兴趣的时候，你的思维就死了。
——JW
不要把精神支柱只压在一样东西上，比如兴趣、爱情或是高考成绩，因为一旦这样东西破灭了，你的精神就崩溃了。应该把精神支柱分配在多种东西上，这样即使有一样东西破灭了，你还可以对自己说：“我还没有输光。”更重要的是，一个人不大可能把所有东西都输掉。
——JW