JW'Space

It was very unfortunate for me that I got a common cold after my mother told me her story that she got sick after she had paid a lot of effort to her academic performance. Not only did it affect my portfolio presentation, but it had also ruined my leisure time after portfolio presentation. While a healthy adult should have recovered from a common cold now, my minor fever has perpetuated for almost a week and my cough has become severer, which is due to fact that doctors in Mainland China used to feed me with high-dose antibiotics once I got a cold, but doctors in HK tend not to use antibiotics until it is proved to be the last resort. Considering my bronchi has been irritated from last night, my common cold will probably worsen to Acute/Chronic bronchitis, from which made my mother have suffered a lot when she was young and with which my immune system can hardly cope without the help of antibiotics.

However, on the night right before my portfolio presentation, I had a sore throat, and the thought that I might got a bad cold occurred to me and LIBERATED me temporarily from the anxiety about portfolio presentation, which had been bothering me for at least a whole week. In the next few day, although the minor fever had slow my reaction to the environmental stimulation, I gained a feeling of tranquillity and pleasant laziness.

Let us contemplate in a romantic way: a disease, usually incurable but permit us a plenty of free time before death, can re-define a person, and a unique disease can even assign them some kind of uniqueness, and this kind of uniqueness liberate them from the ordinary standard of success and failure, which modern society is so eager to apply to us. Stephen Hawking is a nice example. It also makes sense for a mediocre man who has been obsessed with the fear of failure for his whole life and has been diagnosed with late-stage cancer. He will probably get a new life before death because his fear of being a loser will cease to exist for the ordinary standard of success and failure will not be valid for him any more.

I always feel that the amount of the anxiety about exam I have suffered is much larger than others, because I have never seen someone around me who will be awake all night before exam, or someone who will be so obsessed with the exam that he or she cannot focus on anything else. Great expectation from parents can account for the great anxiety about exam, and great expectation mostly means that if you are not good enough, you don't deserve any love. Sometimes love is a matter of life or death, and now exams become a matter of life or death now because if you don't do well in the exams, love of your parents may withdraw from you.

My situation can be explained in this way, too. My mother did scold me a lot if I failed to achieve academic excellence, which has been so influential to my life that even if she don't scold me for that anymore, I still feel guilty if I have got high marks. Anxiety had become so strong that it could have ruined my academic performance in senior three. At that moment, for the first time my mother have guaranteed that she will love me unconditionally, not performance-dependent and she claimed that what she had done to me was to make me more excellent. It did not help much, though.

Yesterday when I was about to complain the hard life in HKUST to my brother (actually my cousin), my brother said that I have got too much. What he meant was that I have been the centre of the whole big family, including my paternal grandparents and my paternal uncles and aunts, ever since I was born, which is the truth.

Through all these years, I hated myself when I did bad in exams and I hate myself because I had done bad in exams. The most important things is, I could attribute all these anxiety and pain I have got to my mother's conditional love. But now it seems that it is my misinterpretation that led to my anxiety and pain. Do you know what I mean? If you are suffering because of something, then it's fine and you can damn it. But what if you suffer because of something that doesn't exist or that you make up yourself? Then even your suffering is MEANINGLESS!

My fault. The suffering through all these years is just my fiction.

These days my mother always tells me not to care too much about academic performance as long as I am happy. But my beloved mother, do you know, these days the least thing I can do is to be happy and what I am capable of is to punish myself.

One point that I need to remember: I'm not a talented people who definitely has a promising future before him, but a rather person who, through enormous determination, adequate preparation and intensive study on a certain field or subject, can achieve things that the people of his kind can not achieve.

Cube是一部很经典的恐怖及悬疑cult片，其独特之处在于整个故事都在立方体建筑里发生，而且情节都有很强的象征性（除了那些惨死的画面之外）。

影片一开始，几个人突然发现自己被囚禁在布满机关的立方体中间，至于被谁而关和为何而关，他们都不清楚。被关的几个人分别是警察Quentin、主修数学的大学生Leaven、医生Holloway、建筑师Worth、越狱者Rennes还有疑似智障人Kazan。凭借着自己的越狱经验，Rennes在一开始承担起探路的任务，然而人的经验毕竟有限，Rennes惨死于一个酸性液体喷射器面前。之后便由Leaven带领众人以试错法找出了立方体运行的内部规律，推算出出口的所在。可惜的是，想独自逃出的Quentin杀死了Holloway和可爱的Leaven并重伤Worth，最终死于Worth的反击，能够逃出的就只有Kazan一个。

说到立方体的象征意义，它便是我们所居住的这一个世界。如悲观的“哲学家”Worth所说，这个世界中的每个人都对自己面前的事情认真负责，每个人都有自己的情景局限(situational constraint)，不能从大角度上认识到整个社会的运作，因此便不理解自己所作的一切究竟意味着什么。终有一天，人类发现自己被困在自己设计的立方体中。人类的被困没有预谋，没有策划者，没有人或者某一类人需要独自为此负上责任，但每个人都是参与者，因此每个人都有责任。如果找不到出口，人类将会在自己设计的立方体中间毁灭，可是人类的局限性（我倾向于用“局限性”而不是“人性的丑恶）却把人类毁灭于出口之前。被困的几个人象征着我们的社会， Quentin象征着权力、Leaven象征着理智、Worth象征着反思，Kazan象征着尚未社会化，原始也是最无辜的个人……由于除了Kazan之外的所有人都参与了宏大的人类自毁工程中，所以Kazan之外的所有人都是有罪的，有罪的都得死，只有Kazan可以活命。

影片中还有其他有意思的想法。Leaven自称小时候便怀有罪恶感，这可能是编剧暗示对参与人类自毁的罪恶感便是“原罪”的来源之一。被困的一行人最终回到了出发的那一个小立方体和Worth开始的疑似消极令我怀疑这是一个巨大的比喻，这来源于我看过的某篇文章，该文章声称西方社会激进地走了许多年后发现自己走错了路。人们总是要“前进”，结果发现自己走了许多冤枉路。Worth开始的疑似消极可能是一种保持力量减少消耗的策略。

这部片的可贵之处在于给人以很多新思维（经常看西方现代哲学的不会觉得新），如果再以什么“批判人性的丑恶”来看这部片子，恐怕不会有所得。事实上，考虑到情景局限，被困的生还者的行为都是相当合理的。他们没法超越局限，这也就是为什么他们没法走出去的原因。

本片某些画面的血腥程度跟The SAW有得一比。幸好经过了SAW4的洗礼，我看这部片的时候没有感到明显的不适。可能是因为预算太低，影片后部都没有出现同类的画面。

2007-10-30

We would all like to combine the solidity of physical objects with the
full awareness of our possession of it.
This is something which we all long for, and none of us is happy with
the perpetual self-questioning which constitutes the human log.
But this, by definition, is something which we can never do.
What he really means is that we would all like to be absolutely what we
are with the full awareness that we are it.

说说你的理解

2007-11-4 （老钟）

我的理解是:人们在认识的过程中喜欢把主体与客体统一起来,并在此过程中过分强调客体.在研究科学时,这是没问题的.但是如果我们用这种这样去研究人时,就搞出问题来. 海德格尔用“此在”去表示人的存在。人的此在，就是不断地质问自己是怎样存在。这是人区别于别的东西的存在方式。因为在自然界中，有且只有人能这样质问。并且，存在主义者反对从现象到本质的认识方式(这是我们课本上说的认识方式）。我猜测，人应该是在自问之中实现自己的“在”。并且，存在主义者反对我们应该把自己客体化，在“从现象到本质”过程中把自己上升成物。 他们认为我们因该把人的主观体验当成是人的在。

2007-11-4

古典哲学的趋向恰是把主体和客体孤立起来，并且过于强调主体。
我的理解：当我们尝试意识自己的时候，我们首先要把自己从自己所是的东西分离
出来，成为了自己所不是的东西，于是就和完全成为某样东西有冲突了。因为当你
意识到自己是那样东西的时候，意识就令你变得不再是那样东西了。当你做需要高
频率条件反射的东西时，如果你意识到你自己做的事情，你做的事情就很容易失
败，因为有连续不断的冲突发生了，令你不能集中精神作事情。

现在看来，萨特在哲学上的修行还是不够他的老师海德格尔深。

老钟写道:

我最近读到了另一存在主义者克尔凯郭尔（Kiekegaard）的观点，我记得萨特曾在《存在主义是一种人道主义》中批判过他。而且，我找到在萨特《存在主义是一种人道主义》中说的阿伯拉罕现象的说法。按照Kiekegaard的观点，成为自我要经过三阶段，一是审美阶段，即人为其原始本能支配，追求各种欲望。但同时因为这种追求使人感到空虚而去追求第二阶段的人生道路，即伦理阶段。在伦理阶段，人为生活理性所控制，会暂时克制自己的情欲，遵守有普遍意义的道德准则。但是，人依然受第一阶段的影响，使道德义务与个人行为之间存在脱节。人们进入第三阶段，即为信仰阶段。在此阶段，作一个孤独的个人，有且只有上帝作为惟一的对象。他举了阿伯拉罕的例子。阿伯拉罕奉上帝的命令杀死自己的儿子以塞阿作为祭品，从伦理上说，这违反了禁止谋杀的具有普遍性的道德戒律，但从宗教上讲，是牺牲行为。在这时候，阿伯拉罕面对只是上帝，他与上帝的关系是私人关系，上帝的要求没有普遍性，而具有绝对性。他超出伦理的意识是他与上帝的私人的，个别的关系的结果。他的行动之所以被肯定，仅仅是以为它是信仰行为，更本不用理性衡量。顺便说一句，Kiekegaard是个疯神父，有神论存在主义者。

因为大陆的大学生热爱跳楼，所以我们开设了心理课。但是都是一些很不系统的课程，比广州日报的心理版要差劲。不过，我在心理课本上找到海德格尔的一句话， “惟有表示物的词语已被发现之际物才是物。”这好像与维特根斯坦的话相对。而且，我读不懂海德格尔的一句话，“在总是在者之在”，书上的解释是：“在的方式，不是指静态的在的方式，而是指可能的，即动态的在的方式，或者说不是指空间中的的在的方式，而是指时间中的在的方式。”上面讲的可能的，动态方式应该怎样理解?这句话好像很重要，好像是存在主义的核心成分，我记得萨特在《存在主义是一种人道主义》提到过：“存在主义是一种使人类生活成为可能的学说”两者都提到可能这个词，但是这个词应该怎样理解？

我写道：

海德格尔的东西我真的看不懂。萨特东西也不懂。有一本介绍萨特的书说萨特写的
东西是 seem more difficult to follow than it actually is. 所以我也想去深
究Being and Nothingness的东西。萨特的这种写法据说是对传统德国哲学晦涩风
格的继承，因此海德格尔也写得不必要地深奥难懂也不是不可能的。

One of the few things I and my roommate have common is that both us want to achieve celebrity, or in my favourite phrase, to have a great impact on the world. I'm quite sure I can find a lot of people holding similar ambition. Though I have been taught not to laugh or question one's dream, including mine, I can not help asking the question: whether one has the potential to achieve his or her ambition? Let's switch to another topic.

When I was in junior middle school, I marvelled those who were involved in Open Source movement and used their talent to show deep contempt for software patent system. Inspired by them, in the composition part of one examination, I confidently described my ambition as "devote myself to the development of great, great, great computer software and let everybody use it with complete freedom". Surprisingly, my ambition received great positive reception and was circulated among several Chinese teachers in my grade. I was quite firm about my ambition at that time, regardless of all the difficulties I would encounter and the stupidness of my ambition.

In high school, I was quite disappointed to find that I was not skilled in what I expected myself to be good at or should be good at. Obsessed by the fear that I might be just one among those who were too mediocre to see through their mediocrity, I changed my ambition to just achieving celebrity using legal and institutionalized way. If this goal was condemned to vanish, I would rather leave something special that would be remembered by others so I wouldn't be reduced to nothing after death. I always consider writing blogs as one of the approach to be memorized by others, which is the one of the reasons that I am writing blogs. I also hope that writing blogs which reveal my special personality or unique thoughts, if I have any, will bring me fame.

However, it seems that writing blogs has not brought me fame because there're few people browsing my pages, which can be judged by the small number of comments on my blog. I have to mention that there does exist people who are not accustomed to leave comments after finishing reading, including my mother (this is the reason why I prefer to write in English!). In fact, some people do prefer to discuss topics which my blogs concern or share their opinions on that topics face to face  or by mails, which partly account for the lack of comments on my blog. Since the fall semester commenced, I have been discussing upon serious topics by mail with my friends exclusively, which is the reason why the number of my serious works has reduced dramatically. Recently, I have found out that there still are people who read my articles carefully, so I decide to pick up my blog again. But now, I am only writing to those who take what I write seriously.

Writing in English is still far from a pleasant experience to me.

Unlike poet's twilight which tends to be described as splendid but sentimental, my twilight just reminds me of one thing: you have done nothing meaningful today, and since daytime has gone, you have no chance to compensate for it.

Well... When I was small, with a greedy mind that could never be satisfied, I was always hoping my parents could buy me my dream toys. However, as we seldom went out in the evening because of public order at that time, when the twilight came, I was aware that the possibility of realization of my dream was slim to none. It was for this reason that I was extremely upset when facing the twilight that should be enjoyed and appreciated. Finding possessing material things can no longer satisfy me completely, I began to be obsessed (exaggerated a lot) with the desire to get recognition in every aspects from authority and peers and become famous. Therefore, whenever twilight came, I was haunted by the thought that I made no progress towards being a celebrity and I would be rather disappointed at myself.

Unfortunately, this helpless feeling has been bothering me again since I realized that I have not achieved anything meaningful.

I cannot deny that it upset me greatly when I saw how my high school treated me after I graduated.

There is a wide poster stuck on one wall of the hall of my high school. The names of newly-graduates, with the school they admitted by, are listed on the poster. Although the fact that names are sorted according to how "good" the universities are reveals gz7hs being grade-oriented, it is considered by everyone an honour to be listed in the front part of the list. Obviously, those graduates who are admitted by school like Tsinghua University or Peking University are listed in the most front part of the list, though actually just at most several students in my high school can enter the first rank of universities every year.

However, what I saw was that my name was the last among those who were admitted by universities outside Guangdong Province. Needless to say, I was quite frustrated and disappointed at what they had done to me, which reflected the will of officers in my high school. I know so people will feel it hard to understand my situation due to the fact that HKUST is unfamiliar to them, so for those people I suggest them understanding it by comparison: Those who are admitted by HKUST in other high schools have received official praise more or less and gained lots of popularity among the students there. On the contrary, I have received a cold welcome from my high school and a sense of alienation from my classmates has become stronger ever. It seemed that my effort has been rejected or neglected by authority (my high school) out of design or ignorance.

It has a profound impact on my attitudes towards my past and gz7hs. It seems that these unfortunate and sometimes unfair things always happen to me that it deprives my good memory of the past. I still don't know how to face it yet, but staying in HKUST will be good means to run away from that temporarily.

求神拜佛跟其他行动有什么不一样呢？求神拜佛这个行动本身是有意义的，比如祈福、转运等，但其他行为的意义则要视其结果和旁观者的背景而定。

让我们来看一个例子：妈妈为孩子好，为孩子报了好多个班，督促他多学习少玩耍。但究竟妈妈的这个行动究竟是否对孩子好呢，就要视将来孩子的情况而定。如果孩子变得多才多艺，那就是好的；如果孩子成了书呆子，那就是不好的。有些家长认为，妈妈的行为是扼杀孩子的好奇心，是不好的；又有些家长认为孩子就应该从小勤奋学习，因此妈妈的行为是对的。但求神拜佛就没有那么多问题了，妈妈为孩子祈福就永远只能解释为祈福，结果对这个行动本身的意义就变得不重要了，妈妈的行动就是为孩子好的。